How To Tuesday...How To Be A Complete And Utter Failure On Etsy

I see so many blogs and discussion threads on how to run a successful shop on Etsy, but what about those poor folks who don't want to succeed?  Does anyone care about them?  Well, I do.  So here's my advice...

Your Etsy Shop

• Do not waste your time making a shop banner.  Don't even bother with a pre-made one for new shops. It makes people think you might actually be serious about what you do and they might want to buy something.
• Do not include a welcome message.  Honestly, are you really happy people are stopping by to see what you have to offer? Do you even want them to know what you make or if you are running a special?
• Do not make sections for your shop. Why make it easy for potential shoppers to find particular items in your shop. Make them work for it.
• Absolutely do not fill out your profile, your policies, or your shipping information. C'mon, people don't really read that stuff anyway, right? Do you think anybody cares how long you've been working on your craft or why you're on Etsy? Policies and shipping info...that's for the folks who want to succeed, remember. Steer clear.
• Less is better.  Less items in your shop; less information in your product descriptions; and for goodness sake, no more than one photo (bonus points if it's a blurry one!) The quicker they are in and out of your shop, the better.
• Set your prices ridiculously low.  Is your time and effort really that valuable?

You And The Community

• Do not go to the forums or any teams to learn how to succeed with your Etsy shop.  You may post comments, but only if you complain about your lack of sales and/or views, and what a failure you are on Etsy, or that you just want to quit.  Oh, and make sure you whine about all the success other sellers are having or how awful the customers are.  Etsians hate negativity:)
• Do not promote your shop in any way. If people found you through social media (facebook, twitter, pinterest, stumble, google+) they might follow the link back to your shop and like something, share with their network what they like, or worse, buy something. Do not let this happen to you!
• Do not go to craft fairs with your product. Why in the world would you want people to actually be able to see your products up close? Big No No here! You might sell something.
• Don't even think about writing a blog.  Like anyone wants to hear what you have to say or like or promote anyway.

Final Words of Encouragement...(Make That Discouragement)

Success takes a lot of work, but so does failure.  Be careful, there are way too many nice folks on Etsy who will want to help you.  Do not make friends, do not join teams, and most importantly, do not believe in yourself.  Save yourself all the time and hard work it would take to become successful. Take the easy way out...as long as you're content with your failure, that is.

"My greatest concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure."

Abraham Lincoln